


Furries, Subway, and Corpses: A Devil May Cry Lore Expansion [Official]

by minaaaa



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 11:11:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18893452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minaaaa/pseuds/minaaaa
Summary: Dante goes to Subway for lunch.





	Furries, Subway, and Corpses: A Devil May Cry Lore Expansion [Official]

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this. I didn't come up with this nonsense, I just transcribed this for my friend. Please leave a comment and tell me about how terrible this is.

Dante walks down the street nearby his shop, looking for sustenance. He hasn’t eaten in what feels like days, and he wants to eat. Preferably pizza. Or a strawberry sundae. He glances at the storefronts he’s walking past when he sees it. “Huh? When did a Subway move in around here?” Subway was perhaps Dante’s third food love after the afformentioned two, and it had been far too long since he’d had it. Having decided on his choice of lunch, Dante walked into the store.

The demon hunter walked up to the counter. He alreadys know what he wants, and immediately starts ordering. “I’d like a Meatball Marinara on wheat, please.” The cashier shakes their head. “Sorry, sir! We’re out of wheat today.” Dante responds quickly, “It’s gravy, babe. How about Honey Oat?” The cashier gives him a sheepish smile and states “We’re out of that too.” Dante sighs, but says “It ain’t no thing but a chicken wing. Do you have Italian?” The fast food worker nods and begins making his sub.

After what feels like hours, Dante’s saucy sub is ready, and he begins to hand the worker cash. Suddenly, the dollar bill he’s holding is sliced in half. “What the hell!?” Dante screams, and he turns his head to face his attacker.

“This is my sub.” There stands Vergil. “You KNOW this is my favorite Subway. I told you not to come here, Dante.” Dante sweats a single bead like he’s in some shitty anime, sputtering out “Chill, babe! Why you’ve got to be such a melon?” Vergil suddenly begins to… defecate himself? Dante is very confused by this point, so he just starts eating his sub. Vergil whines “IT’S NOT FAIR! WHY DO YOU GET TO ALWAYS BURN ME, YET I NEVER GET TO BURN YOU!?” In his rage, Vergil slices the cashier in half with Yamato, and turns to face his brother. Dante puts down his submarine sandwich and draws Rebellion from its sheath. Seems like it’s time to dance.

“Well, looks like you’re being serious this time, Vergil. Looks like I need backup.” Dante adopts a wide stance and lets out a poop, his signal. Suddenly, Nero crashes through the ceiling head-first, landing on the hard tile floor with his forehead. The younger man stands and dusts himself off, before turning to face his father. “Yiff-Yiff here!” (Don’t ask.) He twirls, before striking a kawaii pose. “Hey, pops!” says the furry. 

Vergil, upon seeing his furry of a son, drives Yamato into his stomach and splits himself in two. He doesn’t want to deal with this shit, V can do it instead. 

Once the two halfs of Vergil have been split, Urizen, in all his demonic might, immediately goes after the Italian bread and starts eating. Dante scoffs. ‘How could he eat all the Italian bread? They need that to make sandwiches!’ Enraged, the veteran demon hunter activates his devil trigger. 

Upon seeing this, V summons Shadow. However, as we all know, you don’t summon a panther inside a subway. Having ignored this common knowledge, V pays the price, with Shadow going to the tuna and beginning his meal.

Well, that plan was a bust. No matter, he stills has another demon on his side. V summons Griffon, but the bird goes after the pickles. “You know what? FUCK IT!” V screams, snapping his fingers and summoning Nightmare, who crashes through the roof of the subway. Sadly, V had made a terrible mistake. For, you see, Nightmares are well-known for their adoration of olives. The golem lumbers over to olives and starts shoving them into its mouth. V, too, is a lover of olives, for they are black like his soul, and they can be considered the edgelords of the Subway topping world, much like V can be considered the edgelord of the demon hunting world. V, having been reminded of his love of olives, joins Nightmare. Dante resumes eating his sub since everyone else is eating already. 

Suddenly, a motorcycle crashes through the front window of the store, which explodes from the sheer force of the bike. This kills a family of five who where sitting there the whole time, probably crying in fear. Trish steps off the bike and walks towards the corpses, taking off her sunglasses and putting them on the body of a child. The woman turns towards the others and says “Hey, boys! Mind if I get some soup?” She proceeds to flash a single breast of one of the corpses. Nero, upon seeing this, immediately ejaculates and charges towards Trish. 

Trish places a ground trap, just like in Marvel vs Capcom. Since Nero has no experience in that area, he steps into the trap. Using this oppurtunity, Trish performs her quarter-circle-back hyper combo, throwing Sparda at Nero. The furry was ready for this, however, and uses Pasta Breaker to grab the devil arm out of the air before hurling it back at Trish, slicing her into ribbons. Upon doing this Nero is freed from the trap, and he turns to face the rest of the restaurant. However, Dante activates his devil trigger, despite it already being active, and begins eating all of the Doritos in the restaurant. Doritos are Nero’s favorite brand of chip, and he goes to attack Dante. “Don’t have a cow, man!” yells the half-demon through a mouthful of chips. Dante teleports behind Nero to try and land a blow, but you don’t do that to a furry. Upon landing, Dante trips on Nero’s buttplug, causing him to decapitate himself with Rebellion. 

Nero places his hand on Dante’s decapitated corpse. “I need… more… power!” He absorbs Dante’s power. And then, that’s right, Yiff-Yiff turned into Vergil. Oh no! How is this possible!? Urizen italian bread. Vergil looks towards the sky through the destroyed roof of the subway, and it begins to rain. Both V and Urizen look up from their respective feasts. 

Suddenly, a lightning bolt with the force of a million nuclear bombs crashes into the Subway, hitting both halves of Vergil. The impact is so mighty that it causes both of them to re-merge. The two Vergil begin to walk towards each other in the now-decimated landscape. All that remains is a child’s corpse. The two Vergil look deeply into each other’s eyes… and they kiss. 

Finally, Vergil had found what he wanted all along. He just wanted somebody to understand him. If only he knew that the key to more power was loving himself. The two Vergil begin to walk away from the Subway hand-in-hand, but they come across a metal container sitting on the floor. One of the Vergil uses Yamato to pry open the container. And inside waits the one thing the Sons of Sparda truly wanted. Wheat and honey oat. Bread.


End file.
